May 7, 2007
What is this "blog" of which you speak??
God, I'm such a rubbish blogger.
I think part of the excuse, er problem is that at the moment I have so many things going round in my head that it's difficult to put them down into a coherent set of paragraphs that I'm happy to publish. I've tried a few times, and given up. Let's hope this isn't one of them.
There's such a lot to tell you, dear Internet, it's unreal. Firstly, and I guess most importantly, Mr D has a new job. He has gone into business with his ex boss, S and they are doing contract metrology. I won't even begin to explain. It's geek and engineering and maths and it helps to be a little bit anal. The upshot is that 1), Mr D has been concentrating on the business more than anything else, and 2), money has been a problem. You don't need to know the details, but it has been a little hairy recently, but hopefully things will settle down now as the business is gaining clients and recognition and stuff.
As a result, over the past couple of weeks my 'therapy' has been a bit lax. I've tried really hard, but when you're worrying about money and you don't have your partners full attention, it can be a pain. I have been making progress, and I have been doing things, but I'm scared it's not enough. See, there's something I haven't told you.
Several months ago, I was asked by some of my lovely knitting group friends if I wanted to go to Woolfest with them. Last year, they went for the whole weekend and camped, and had a marvellous time. I dragged Mr D for the day last year (having only found out about it the day before) and loved it but felt guilty that there was nothing to interest him. How wonderful, then, to go with people who can enthuse with me over spinning wheels and fibres and weaving and and and...
The agoraphobia. Gah. I talked to my therapist and told the girls that I'd love to come, but it was all dependent on my therapy. They all know about the agora and panic, and they're all cool. So, my therapy has been with an end goal. To go to Woolfest with the Girls for the weekend. My psych says it's good for me to have a goal, and at the time I remember thinking it would be an excellent thing to work towards, but if it all went pear shaped it didn't matter, because Mr D could drive me over for the day anyway. However, the closer it gets (eight weeks last Friday) the more vital it seems to be that I succeed. I CAN do it. I have to remind myself of the incredible leaps I've made in the last year. This is the final few steps - but in a way, it's like that final point where you've trained for the parachute jump and you know what to do - but you need to actually jump out of the plane...
I have set myself an intermediate goal, to go to the Post Office and post something. I have a half way point which is the newsagents, and I'm slowly building up to get there. This week, I am walking to the edge of the estate (about 5 minutes walk) and standing by the road sign until my anxiety lessens. Next week, I'll cross the road. It's a busy road, so feels like a massive step in itself. After that, I'll go into the newsagent. The Post Office is about another 3-4 minute walk from the newsagent, so the goal then will be to walk nearer to the post office.
It's called "graded exposure" and the idea is to repeat the task until it becomes less anxiety provoking. You stay in the situation until your anxiety goes down, and if you do it carefully enough and with the right back up it doesn't feel so enormous. I haven't walked to the newsagent or Post Office by myself in about seven years, and of course, in that time, I've been 'conditioned' to think that it's incredibly scary and I'll have a panic attack. It's all about not pushing yourself too hard, but still pushing yourself. As Æsop said, "slow and steady wins the race"
Posted by domino at 7:27 AM | Comments (3)
March 8, 2007
Perceptions
There's been a lot of stuff going round in my head lately. This might be difficult to write, so bear with me.
I've always believed that when writing a blog it's important not to 'bear your soul' to the Internet. There should always be things that you don't disclose, and this may have been one of them - except it has become the focus of my CBT.
I guess it was inevitable - after all, CBT can really get to the knitty-gritty of the problem. At my last appointment, D and I discussed how I was getting on with practical exercises, and whether the therapy was going in the direction I wanted. CBT has dissected my existance, my thought processes and my perceptions, and it's this last one that seems to need the most work.
Not too long ago, I wrote about my perceptions, and how what actually happened was very different to what I thought had happened. It's a huge problem for me - and always has been. I'm incredibly self critical. Often, my expectations of myself are incredibly high, and even when I manage a task that I set myself, I rarely acknowledge that I've done anything special. If I make a mistake, I berate myself for being stupid. As long as I can remember, I've not liked myself. Sometimes I've even hated myself - and not in a spur of the moment irritated way, but in a deep rooted, and sickeningly powerful way. Growing up, I didn't have much positive feedback, and there have been epsiodes in my childhood where I've literally been told I'm not good enough or that I'm stupid. As a result, my confidence has suffered massively. I guess that's to be expected. The thing is, I've not really realised how negative I am until now. I know that sounds silly, but I've lived with the perceived knowledge of my inadequacy for a hell of a long time. I've masked it with a nice cheerful friendly disposition, but I've never really believed that I could be anything more.
A few years ago, for example, I told a psych that I was "thick". He did IQ testing with me, and while I know many people don't give IQ tests much weight, we discovered that I have an IQ of 136. Proof on paper that I'm not thick (or just good at IQ tests - whatever). Now I've had a lot of time to think about it, I realise that at school I was just bored. I'd manage the work that was set, then get bored. I was good with reading and writing, and in the end, I remember the teacher giving me a slower kid to coach because I'd finished all the work they had. I didn't do so well in maths, and (typical for me) I'd get frustrated and leave it. Maybe I'd do well if it was explained differently - my IQ thing showed that I had an aptitude for logic.
My being self critical had never been a big problem in my adult life. I just plodded along, my mask intact. The only outward signs being my inability to take compliments or praise. When I started having counselling, it was one of the first things that was noted. Previous counselling has focused on the past, helped me come to terms with issues that have inhibited me, but now, CBT is looking at the present. It seems that my natural ability to criticise myself is a fairly big hinderance. Again, it may seem so obvious to an outsider - my recognising it almost seems like I've woken up from a coma, and I guess that's partly why my head feels all over the place right now.
In my present situation, dealing with an anxiety disorder that affects my daily life so strongly, my main fear is that people will think I'm being stupid, they'll think badly of me, or I'll make a fool of myself. J used to ask me "what does it matter what other people think?" and I couldn't answer - I knew it didn't really matter, or at least it shouldn't matter, but it did to me. I've long thought that I'd love to be one of these people who doesn't give a shit, someone who can be silly and not dwell on it for EVER. (I'm not exaggerating - I get reminded of things I've done or said in the past and utterly cringe, but in reality the other party has probably completely forgotten about whatever it was, because it was so damn trivial anyway.) It's easy to say "but everyone has these feelings from time to time". With me, it's all consuming. In my head, I strive for perfection so much, I'm beginning to think I have Borg implants.
Starting to realise all of this means that I have the power to counter it. Looking for the positive, D and I decided that growing up I developed into a well adjusted adult in spite of the crap and negativity. Yes I'm negative, but at the end of the day I've only rarely said "what's the point?" and not bothered with things - and that's when I've been really depressed. When I first started CBT, countering negative thoughts with positive ones felt like going through the motions.
Now, I'm really starting to believe in myself. I'm really making progress.
Posted by domino at 9:34 AM | Comments (3)
February 14, 2007
Mushy Valentines Day
Mr D and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We've never had a massive falling out, and we have supported each other through some pretty rough shit - though lately that seems to be a little bit one way. I wanted to do or say something meaningful, to show him how much I love him, and the lyrics to one song really stand out.
Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care, you're always there
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
So many times when the city seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near
If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best
When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you
- © Karen & Richard Carpenter
(box of tissues available on request)
Posted by domino at 10:53 AM | Comments (1)
January 2, 2007
2006 review of the year
And what a year it's been!
In January, I got That Letter. It's clear that this had a profound impact on me, but reading back my emotions go from disbelief to anger to a resigned sadness that affected everything else. However, January also showed me that there are still Incredibly Decent People in the world, when I got an email from Wonderful Legal Secretary, offering to ask her boss for advice for me. He ended up representing me pro bono, and the rest his history.
February, I had some kind of bug, and although I didn't talk about it much, my GP was inclined to think it was a gallbladder infection because I was puking the most massive amounts of bile EVER.
In March, I started CBT. I remember that first appointment with J, telling him that I didn't think this was a good time because my mind was all over the place regarding my appeal. He advised me to "see how it goes" and I did. Progress has been slow, but it's still been progress.
By May, however, most of my focus was on Incapacity Benefit. At the time, there was a lot in the media about proposed changes to IB, and what I learned about how IB assessments are done left me both relieved that it wasn't just me, yet horrified at how many people had been treated so badly by the system - at a time in their lives when they needed support and guidance. I know of at least one person who didn't appeal against his IB decision because of the amount of stress and negative impact it would have on his health.
In June, it was all over. WLS contacted me to let me know that I'd won my appeal, and that my money would be backdated. There are still no words to describe how much I appreciate her help and support during that time.
The summer seemed to be mostly about getting rid of my anger over the whole appeal thing, and getting back to normal so I could continue with CBT and concentrate on that. By September, I was embarking on a new stage of my CBT journey - practical exercises. From that first attempt, I felt like I was finally moving forward - six whole years since Panic Attack Disorder started.
In October, I had my five minutes of fame when my blog was mentioned in The Guardian, and I indulged in a knitting frenzy for National Knitting Week. The Teddy Bear's Picnic raised money for a local hospice, and thanks to the lovely B, I made the biggest leap so far with my therapy by going with her.
November and December were all about trying not to get depressed thanks to the dark days of winter. However, I had the most colourful yarn ever and have knit a pair of socks with it. (Incidentally, Opal have re-released this yarn as "rainbow")
I'm glad I wrote this. I thought a review was a bit passé, but it's shown me that 2006 wasn't the washout I'd thought. All I could think about was the first six months being a Complete Waste thanks to that IB decision, but I guess that makes my progress even more impressive.
Stand back, 2007, I'm comin' at ya...
Posted by domino at 5:27 PM | Comments (1)
December 12, 2006
Don't be so bloody hard on yourself...
Okay, the format of this may seem a little odd. First thing this morning, I started writing a blog entry about how I'd done with my CBT in the last couple of weeks, ahead of an appointment with D this morning. I never finished it, and now I've come back from my appointment, Things Have Changed. What I've written in normal type (aside from this bit) is what I wrote first thing - in italics is what I've realised since I saw D.
* * * * *
I suppose it was bound to happen - CBT is frustrating the life out of me. [this is because I have very high expectations of myself]
Firstly, I'm not getting out to do 'therapy' as much as I should. In the last fortnight since I saw D, I've managed maybe three or four purposeful expeditions, and one of those was last night, at the last minute. Part of the problem is that life gets in the way. We had all that trouble with the car, which (and I won't bore you with the details) only got worse, resulting in Mr D driving around for a few days illegally because of a garage's incompetence. All non essential journeys were cancelled, and that included 'therapy'. Mr D has been worrying about his dad, who isn't well. Mr D's mind has been everywhere but on my therapy.
[okay, so things happen. I need to accept that it's not always going to be a perfect therapy scenario]
On Thursday, we went into town. I'd said "look, we really need to do something" and we'd decided to go to the retail park. Unfortunately, the weather was atrocious, and when Mr D got home from work, he said he'd rather not go there because there'd been an accident and the police had the road blocked off. Plans changing suddenly doesn't help my anxiety. Mr D suggested that all was not lost - our town centre opens late on Thursdays up to Christmas.
I tried to unravel my mind from the swirling thoughts of "hang on, this isn't the retail park" and we set off. I think everyone in town had the same idea, because it was really busy. The car parks were so busy, that we only found a space in the third car park we found. In my head, busy car parks means busy streets, so my anxiety was rising steadily.
When we'd planned to go to the retail park, I'd said I wanted to go into Staples for something, and said I would use that as my therapy. As we walked along the high street on Thursday evening, I wondered out loud if Stationery Box was open - and exclaimed "oh good!" when it was. Something was at least going to be the same. Maybe it was my fault that I didn't spell it out to Mr D. Inside the shop, he stuck to me like a damn magnet. I said "can I not do this by myself?" and he backed off a couple of steps. I ducked round a corner and he followed me, almost instinctively like the Old Days. I found what I wanted, went to the till and paid, and we left the shop.
I was frustrated, and mentioned it. He didn't hear me. I said something else, and had to follow it up with "HELLO??" to which he responded, "wha? sorry, I was miles off..." I got angry, and said "fuck it - I can't do any therapy if you're like this" and quickened my stride as I always do when I'm cross. He didn't say anything about it, and I didn't try anywhere else.
[so, in spite of the fact that my anxiety was high, I still TRIED. The fact that I was wanting Mr D to sod off so I could do it on my own was a GOOD THING]
On Saturday, we were going somewhere else, and by the time we got to some shops, everywhere was too busy. On Sunday, we had a chat about what was happening. I'd been building up frustrations about how much I was doing for a while - and had actually started worrying that D would discharge me if she thought I wasn't trying.
[this is my silly melodramatic over-reacting head. Of course D isn't going to discharge me. Maybe if I sat there sullenly and said "I don't give a fuck and I'm not going to try" she would, but not because I didn't live up to my OWN expectations!]
Monday, I went into Borders, and managed to get a DVD and wander about the store while he was upstairs. We went into M&S, and for some reason, my anxiety was higher, but I stayed there for a while, telling Mr D why I was wandering around in a seemingly aimless way. It seems that Monday's experience was the best of a bad bunch.
[in fact, what really happened was me trying incredibly hard IN SPITE of the obstacles in my way. Even with my low mood, I managed to do quite a bit, and I persevered.]
* * * * *
I told D all of this - including the bit where I was afraid she'd discharge me. She smiled a little, and said "that's over reactive thinking..." After listening to her opinions of how I'd done, it made me realise just how hard I am on myself. I mentioned that I'd done little things - for example on Sunday in Morrisons (supermarket) while Mr D was at the till, I realised that the latest issue of the knitting magazine that I get would be out. On a whim, I said "I'm just going over there to get my knitting magazine, you stay here" and went to get it. It wasn't far, but it was busy. I've always had this feeling that my 'therapy' outings should be structured and planned, and when I said meekly "do these things count?" to D, she replied "of course they do!"
Towards the end, she asked what I wanted to do for therapy before our next appointment. I thought for a moment and said "I want to do this last fortnight again - but this time without being so bloody negative. Try and look at the positive things I did." It's frustrated me that I can't accept that I did well in spite of things going wrong, and I needed someone else to point this out to me. I also need to stop the whole "so-and-so doesn't count" because dammit, it does count. I just read back a couple of posts - "I didn't treat [Harrogate] as 'therapy'." Why not? It was big and I achieved something!
I need to start again - and this time, I'm going to be kinder to myself.
Posted by domino at 5:43 PM | Comments (5)
November 24, 2006
It always happens in threes...
So, my coffee machine broke, my comments template got screwed, and because these things come in threes, my computer had a nervous breakdown.
I still don't know what it was. I narrowed it down to a problem with firefox, and managed to completely stump those clever people at mozilla. My reliance on a nice web browser which is set up 'just so' prompted me to format my hard drive - something that I'd been putting off for a while, so not as extreme as you'd think. I hate doing it. It's not technically challenging or anything, it's just the whole process of getting things just how I like them takes so long, and little annoyances that had been long forgotten (balloon tips, I'm looking at you here...) pop up and remind you how windows xp likes to walk you through everything in baby steps.
I saved as much as I could onto cd's, took a deep breath, and pressed the Button of No Return. Everything is peachy now. Squeaky clean, a mite faster, and somewhat empty. I'm adding software as I need it because I'm getting very bored with constantly restarting the computer.
Computers aside, things are plodding along as usual. Last week, my neck started playing up, and as well as the usual sharp pains in my shoulders and weird cold spots on my hand, I started getting dizzy. It has been more of an irritation than anything, but has meant that I've avoided going out because it's really messing with the anxiety levels. I need to acclimatise myself to people, because on Sunday, I'm dragging Mr D to the Knitting and Stitching Show (link has video with sound) at Harrogate. I've been in two minds whether to go lately, and when the coffee machine died, my priority was saving as much money as possible to replace it. However, it only needed a replacement steam valve which cost £10.49, so Harrogate is on again. There are a couple of things I want, and I'm hoping to treat myself while I'm there.
Comments are back - dip your toe in the water and we'll see what happens...
Posted by domino at 1:07 PM | Comments (2)
November 5, 2006
Fall Back
I've been trying to write this for a week. The reason why may become apparent as I progress.
Last weekend across the country, people engaged in the twice annual ritual that is Changing the Clocks for Daylight Savings. For most people, this is at worst a minor irritation, at best (at least at this time of year) an extra hour in bed. For thousands of people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, however, it acts almost like a switch, a harbinger of what winter has in store.
I suppose there are two schools of thought on this. One, that if winter depression is inevitable, then no amount of 'being positive' is going to help. The other is that if I'm expecting it, then it's bound to bloody happen. This year, I decided that I'd try and ignore it, concentrate on other things - metaphorically stick my fingers in my ears and shout "la la la I'm not listening". The problem being that when depression hit, it hit hard - like a sledgehammer to the stomach. My first indicator happened a couple of weeks ago. I was just sitting watching the local evening news with Mr D, when a report about a court case came on. The reporter recanted details of the evidence, and before I knew it, I was sitting there in floods of tears. There were many other incidents - I cried at the episode of Doctor Who, with K9 and Sarah Jane. Near the end, the Doctor says "you're a good dog" when he realises that K9 will have to destroy himself to save them. (for the uninitiated, K9 is a robot dog) I've seen that episode so many times, I know that the Doctor rebuilds K9 in the end, but it didn't stop me from blubbering.
Anticipating the inevitable, I got my SAD light out. I always work up to it slowly, increasing the time I leave it on by five minutes every few days, because if I leave it on too long, it makes me nauseous. Unfortunately my misery is accelerating at a faster rate than the light can keep up with, and I've found myself thinking it's utter bollocks and it doesn't work anyway. Luckily, I'm persevering rather than throwing it across the room..
On the clock changing front, I have been unable to sleep past 5.30am. My body clock is screwed, I start getting tired around tea-time, and by 7pm am looking longingly at the clock to see if it's feasably time to go to bed. Last Sunday, I deliberately stayed up, forcing myself to stay awake, thinking it would mean I slept later in the morning. How wrong I was. I went to bed with a stinking headache and still woke up at 5am.
On Tuesday, I saw J's replacement, D. I'd really wanted to write this thing about the clocks changing so I could tell you about her, (or at least our appointment) but everything's felt so much harder, and I've ended up doing my usual depressed thing of ignoring Everything. Anyhow, D is lovely (she did my initial assessment back in early 2005) and I think once I get over my stupid thinking (ie "ohmygod she's going to think I'm stupid, or there's nothing wrong with me, or what if she expects things I can't do" etc etc) I think I'll be fine. I told her about the negative thinking thing - how I'm always hard on myself - and we're going to look at that too. My anxiety was high, as expected seeing someone new, and I was so self conscious. I ended up telling her about the thing in the Guardian, and my blog, which she seemed to approve of, then I gave her one of my moo cards which I'd had printed with my website address on. Afterwards I couldn't help feeling a bit silly - maybe somehow she would think that it was a bit too much - and as I type it occurs to me that she could read this. Ah well - even if she does, I often put things down here that I can't express properly during appointments because my brain seems to go to mush and forget most of my known vocabulary. I see D again at the end of the month.
Finally, because I worry about people finding my blog and thinking it's all Doom and Gloom, I figured something out. At the Teddy Bear's Picnic, I started working with the most Gorgeous Sock Yarn Ever, and we decided that the colours were reminiscent of sweeties, but we couldn't figure out which ones. I worked it out - Jelly Tots. Ergo:
Posted by domino at 5:51 AM | Comments (0)
July 31, 2006
Out on the Town
Our town centre is being 'done up'. The council are putting expensive pavers down, and making the whole area pedestrianised. Unfortunately, they are cordoning off massive chunks of pavement and road while they do it. It will be nicer when they've done, but in the meantime it's a nightmare navigating - both mentally and physically. The gaps they leave between the shops and the barriers are literally only wide enough for two people standing very together, side by side. Someone with a wheelchair, or a parent with a buggy would struggle. It's no easier for the walking wounded - ie people with walking sticks (like me at the moment - my back went into spasm a fortnight ago) or indeed anyone with mobility problems. Although the council have had to (by law) tarmac the bit where the old pavement ends and the new one begins, it is so uneven that only hill walkers and mountain goats could confidently say they'd never struggled.
Add this to the fact that our town centre gets very busy with shoppers on Saturdays, all of whom have a wandering around agenda that involves aimlessly walking diagonally and changing direction at the drop of a spitwad (they don't wear hats where I live), and shopping is a nightmare.
Of course, J would say this was an opportunity. Maybe it is, but somehow I want these opportunities to be on my terms. If I'm going to confront* someone in the street who I can't get past, I at least need to know that I could go the long way round if I wanted. I know there are going to be occasions where I have no choice, but I don't want the idea of going into town to be my worst nightmare, thank you. At this stage, I am only dipping my toe in the water, I don't want to be pushed in.
One thing J has said to me is that my avoidance tactics (counting in japanese, reading labels on tins) are not helping. When he said this to me, I almost felt as though I'd been slapped. I don't blame J for that, as I keep reinforcing, he is only there to challenge my thought processes, but it's still hard when you think that you've found something that helps, and you're told that "actually, it's not helping.." I think this could be something to do with my sensitive nature. I am, however, much more aware of how I act when I'm out and about.
I need to be aware of the things around me, but when I'm faced with something that raises the anxiety levels, my instinct is to leave, or hide. J says I need to face the things that could make me panic. On Saturday, we detoured through the shopping centre which was wider, but still busy. Suddenly, my guard was up - a young man was running towards us. My normal reaction to this would be to look down, move totally out of the way if possible, while getting more and more tense. Yesterday, I thought of what J said. Confront it. So, I kept looking at him. I felt a bit spacy**, but not too bad. (In hindsight, I'm wondering what else was keeping my mind off the anxiety). Then I started wondering. What if the trigger was a parent with a fractious child? I'm sure they wouldn't take too kindly to some stranger staring at them. How exactly do I confront that sort of situation? As always, notes are being made for my next appointment with J...
* 'confront' doesn't necessarily mean an argument - more a situation where I'm forced into a situation where I have to communicate with someone, eg, that thing where you're trying to get past someone and can't because they're DOING A SODDING DANCE and can't make their minds up which way to go.
** I don't remember hyperventilating or anything, it just felt strange and disjointed watching this young man running.
Posted by domino at 8:17 AM | Comments (0)
March 3, 2005
Confessions of Someone Who Has No Life
09:15am
ARGH! The internet is broken! (paces up and down)
09:25am
I know! I haven't played Solitaire for a while! (fires up solitaire)
09:30am
Bah. This is crap. (taps fingers on the desk) What to do? I know!
(tidies up desktop, deletes a few shortcuts) Ooh! I didn't know I had that!
09:35am
I wonder if it's on again yet? (checks) Nope.. Crap. Maybe I should get dressed or something. (goes to get dressed)
09:38am
Working yet? GOD what's the matter with it??? This is ridiculous. Some of us have lives!
10:09am
thank fuck for that!
(publishes)
Posted by domino at 10:09 AM | Comments (0)
April 14, 2004
B'doinga!
Spring is here. Spring is really, really here.
Over the winter, I wondered how much of my "winter blues" was coming off Efexor, or dealing with Ginger's job stress. Now that there is a real change in the weather, I can honestly say it was Seasonal Affective Disorder.
My mood has been almost euphoric lately. I'm doing so much more than usual, gardening, decorating, and working on a website for a friend. Four months ago, I'd have been lucky to manage any one of those things.
I think I am reaching a point where the Efexor is not something I think about as much. Before, it was "that bastard efexor" every five minutes, and, "I hate this shit". I remember saying that I had to try and stay focused on the positive, and now it feels like I have many more positives to focus on.
The panic and anxiety are still there, and the panic attacks are still laced with acid, and raw, but on the whole I'm a happier person. I guess I can channel my positivity into my recovery.
I missed my one year anniversary last week. April 8th 2003 was the day of my first weblog entry, and although I was with Bloggar before Moveable Type, I never really put my all into it. Things have changed a lot on the site since then. Not so long ago, I found a screen print out of my site in the early days, before I attempted to alter the stylesheets. It was weird, but also like looking at a baby photo in some ways. I think I even thought, "gosh, hasn't it grown!"
I think we both have.
Posted by domino at 12:39 PM | Comments (0)
March 17, 2004
e-bay the anxiety sufferer's way
Collect the item for sale, and all it's accessories. In my case, it was an old mobile/cell phone, batteries, chargers, USB cable and CD software. It took me a week to find the extra battery, and a frantic search for something entirely unrelated revealed the location of the Elusive Manual.
Write your description using something like Word. This took me forever. Two million drafts later, worrying whether I sounded too friendly or too business-like, I think I got it. I even managed to include a web-page link to the manufacturer's specs of the phone.
Take photos. Everyone knows that photos help the sale, so I set up my studio on the bed. I laid out everything on a plain sheet, and arranged them carefully to show off their best sides. I doubt my phone can "work it baby" but when you're photographing these models, everything helps.
Do the e-bay thing. I had the photos. I'd decided on a description. I needed to get all this onto e-bay without killing anyone. It's ages since I sold anything on e-bay. I've bought a few things, which is marginally less painful, and I thought, "what could possibly go wrong?"
Actually, nothing. I filled in all the parts, agonised over where to list my item, agonised over a title that would have people bidding in droves, added some HTML (go me!), uploaded my pictures, winced at the listing fee (I'd decided to put a reserve on) and finally pressed the Button of No Return.
There. That was easy. Except now I've given myself extra anxiety over What Might Happen. The following is some of what has been going through my mind since 4pm yesterday afternoon.
"What if it's illegal to sell your old mobile phone? What if it gets there and doesn't work? I'd better charge all the batteries up so they don't think I've sold them some piece of crap. Actually this phone is crap, that's why I'm selling it. Shit, I'm trying to sell a piece of crap to some poor unsuspecting stranger! What if someone buys it and they can't really afford it and it turns out that they've bought a piece of crap, and it'll be all my fault!" (at 5pm) "No-one's bid! What's wrong with my description? Maybe it looks like I'm trying to sell something stolen. Wait - I said I was selling because I'd upgraded my phone. What if they think I'm some crap business because I used HTML but my description is crap? I'm not going to sell this, am I?"
I'm not going to go any further. You get the picture. Writing it is making me anxious.
Posted by domino at 9:48 AM | Comments (0)
March 1, 2004
dominocat becomes a news thingy
The Return of the King cleans up at Oscars!
Yes, you (may have) heard it here first, Peter Jackson and crew converted all eleven of their Oscar nominations into full blown Oscars. Watching BBC Breakfast News this morning, I thought Sir Ian McKellan looked slightly tipsy at the Vanity Fair bash. Unless he's coming off Efexor too.
Middlesbrough win Carling Cup!
Premiership football club Middlesbrough won their first piece of silverware in 128 years yesterday when they beat Bolton 2-1 at the Millennium Stadium at Cardiff. I think Bolton's manager was chewing wasps while he was being interviewed after the match.
domino still suffers!
Oh, you didn't think you were getting away without a few choice withdrawal symptoms, did you? I still feel like shit. And seeing as one place that links to me has mentioned that I talk about poo a lot, I thought it was only fair to mention that I now have IBS. Ayethangyew.
Ginger gets new job!
Indeed. Mister Dominocat, or Ginger (Gingah if you're American) was interviewed for a new job on Friday, which they promptly offered him without interviewing anyone else. I am so proud of him, and we can finally take a deep breath and relax slightly for the first time in 14 months. He starts on the 8th.
Posted by domino at 10:15 AM | Comments (0)
February 6, 2004
Title Schmitle (or something)
This last week, I have been using most of my brain power on building a new computer. I'm kinda wondering if I have a brain quota, which only allows me to think so much during a given time period. I've built the computer, installed everything - and it's peachy, but literally everything else I've tried to do has turned to shit. It's like my brain has said, "WOAH!!! That's it, missy, no more cognitive processing for you!"
My husband's favourite is my putting the sugar in the fridge the other day. He's really tickled by that. I don't mind, at least it takes his mind off the job shit he is enduring yet again.
He is still with the same company, but they seem to think it's okay to offer him temporary work, then at the last moment right where he's crapping himself about how we'll pay the mortgage next week, they offer him another few weeks work. It's really taking it's toll on both of us, and because of the incredibly long hours he's working, it's making it really difficult for him to look elsewhere. So, if anyone out there is looking for a highly skilled mechanical engineering quality inspector, e-mail me. (Like that's really going to work...)
After the whole incident of not going to therapy last week, I have decided to write a letter to M, explaining why things have gone to shit. It mostly involves explaining about the Efexor experience, and how my panic and anxiety have sky-rocketed. I've tried to explain that it's a different kind of anxiety - really sharp, like a kind of mental razor-wire. I guess having a constant headache and nausea doesn't help. Funny, though, I've only had two panic attacks this month. I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack most of the time, especially when I'm out and about, but I always manage to avoid an actual attack.
My other symptoms are still there, and I feel flu-ey and hungover most of the time. I wish I could stop being so impatient. I'm aching to feel 'normal' again. Like my husband keeps on telling me: I'll get there - eventually.
Posted by domino at 12:47 PM | Comments (0)
October 5, 2003
how not to make a sale
Angela and Dave came yesterday, and asked me to go to PC World with them to help buy a printer. Angela and Dave are not the most clued up people when it comes to technology, and wanted my input.
We had a look around, and I made suggestions about print resolution and checking the price of ink carts, and Angela decided she wanted a sales assistant to tell her why printer A was different to printer B, if they were the same price.
I always bitch if I am crowded by sales staff in a store. I hate it. If I am asked more than twice if I can be helped, I will leave and go elsewhere. Same if I have to wait around to be helped. If the staff are busy, fair enough, but if they are not taking any notice of their customers, they can go take a walk. Someone else can have my business. Mind you, if I neeeeed whatever it is badly, I will wait, but it will trigger Grumpy Customer mode, and it's just not worth it.
The sales staff in PC World were avoiding us. Perhaps they had some psychic inkling that I was going there, and I should be avoided because I hate their plastic view of "buy this it's a bargain - not necessarily what you want, but hey..." I went towards three of them, and they wandered off nonchalantly, with their hearts in their mouths. Eventually, Angela found one. He looked as though he had many better things to be doing on a Saturday, and if he'd had any sales training, then I'm a monkey's uncle.
You know when you're shopping and you've made your mind up, but you just need that bit of affirmation - well this was one of thos situations. I guess we were naiive to look for comments like "This is a really good printer" or " I've used Hewlett Packard before and they're ok" or even "what will you be using the printer for?" Saturday Boy #483 was having none of it. When we asked about it's features, he read from the information card on the stand. We didn't point out that we are indeed literate. He didn't offer to check if it was in stock, and broke the cardinal sales rule and didn't ask for the business. You should always, always ask the customer if they'd like to go ahead and buy product X after telling them how wonderful it is.
It turned out that the printer was out of stock, and they only had the display model left. It was scratched, and Angela is like me in that she hates buying things that have been touched by sticky, greasy kiddies fingers. This thing was covered in enough greasy marks to make McDonald's envious, and believe me, a comment from the sales staff like "That's nothing, it'll come off with a bit of polish" is not going to win. Angela asked for a discount, and #483 said they'd be able to take off 10%. Woo. He seemed offended at our sticky greasy fingers remarks. Perhaps he'd been eating something sticky and greasy for lunch. Angela had to say twice that she wanted to buy this printer, and eventually #483 tootled off to the stock room.
While he was gone, Angela turned to me and asked, "What's your gut feeling on this?"
I replied, "My gut feeling? He doesn't deserve the sale."
He didn't get it either. We came home, had pizza, and Angela ordered a cool printer and digital camera package online. Maybe #483 had a gut feeling about us...
Posted by domino at 4:15 PM | Comments (1)
September 22, 2003
busy, busy, busy!
Okay, so I don't have the most interesting life in the world, worthy of people clamouring to read my weblog, but I do have a life. Vaguely.
For the past two weeks (on and off) I have been decorating. This really started several months ago, when I decided that I wanted a laminate floor in my dining room and kitchen. The idea fizzled when our neighbours promptly read our minds, and laminated their dining room and kitchen. Sly buggers. Later, I saw a beautiful compromise. Laminated flooring, which looked like slate tiles. Totally gorgeous, and different.
Cutting a long and boring story short, we have now laminated the floor, and are now faced with the domino effect of decorating. It goes like this:
We laminate the floor, and use white edging along the skirting boards.
This makes the skirts look filthy, so we paint them.
This in turn makes the walls look dirty, so we paint the walls.
This makes the curtains look old, so I make new curtains.
This all makes the tiles in the kitchen look dated, so I get cool paint to paint some of the tiles.
It goes on, but you have to draw the line somewhere. We do not need new kitchen cupboards yet. (Well, we do, but our budget doesn't)
The tile paint stuff is cool (I think I already said that). When the house was built, we chose white tiles, but were persuaded by the builders that white would look clinical, and "go on, have a harvest basket tile randomly placed". I've never liked them, but they've always known, and have hidden behind the coffee maker and strategically placed kitchen stuff. There is one brave tile who sits leering at me from under the extractor, but his time is short in this world. Inspired by Changing Rooms (Trading Spaces to you 'Mericans) I have got some tile primer, and some lovely silver and pale gold paints. The silver is to tone with the silvery blue of the floor, and the gold, which I intend to use about half as much as the silver, is a very pale version which will tone beautifully with the counters and cupboard doors.
Trust me.
Posted by domino at 11:09 AM | Comments (0)
August 30, 2003
Woo Hoo!!!
SpreadingTheJam love Ginger. He starts on Monday 8th September.
The incognito manager was called suddenly to a client in Sweeden, so was definitely out of the office...
Ginger is going back to TakingThePiss for a couple of days, then having four days off. He needs it. Apart from a week after he did all that nightshit, he hasn't had a holiday all year (WankBastard Inc stopped all holidays when they went into receivership)
Wheeee!!!
Posted by domino at 11:34 AM | Comments (0)
August 28, 2003
I love my Karcher Pressure Washer
Aside from being frightened of everything, I am terrified of spiders. Even the word makes me want to itch. So it was with great trepidation that I decided to clean down the paved path that runs past the back of our house.
The path has become a kind of storage area for all things garden that won't fit in the garage, or things that we were going to use, and never got around to. Like the pile of old bricks that we were going to edge the garden with. They stayed as a kind of monument when we realised that we were going to need possibly hundreds more, and we thought we would wait until we got more before starting. There are half bags of compost, and various pots that we have accumulated over the past couple of years.
Ginger had promised me that I could buy the rustic bench I've always wanted as long as I cleaned up the path. The bench would be wonderful there, and it would be perfect to sit outside with a cup of coffee and drink in the late summer sun. That last bit is a bit of a fantasy, seeing as though the end of August has signified the start of winter...
We bought the pressure washer last week. There are a myriad of things to use it for, as well as the sheer pleasure that dirt-blasting gives. I'd cleaned the encrusted guano off the car windscreen, and cleaned the front drive. I'd used it to blast a few inter-paver weeds, and decided to wash the cobwebs off the garage door. It was fantastic.
So, how do you use it to clean spidery remnants and small monsters from a brick megalith? Easy. Blast the megalith for several minutes with washer. Swear constantly, and make neighbour giggle at you. Kick bricks individually and blast with washer until confident that they are spider free. When killing spiders, use a clean brick, and phrases like "die, you little bastard". Greet arrival of Aragog with "Holy fucking god!" Greet arrival of Aragog's twin brother by running around garden squealing, going back, and slapping him on the shoulder with a well aimed brick. Come inside, elated, and announce exploits via weblog.
The bricks are languishing on the lawn now, clean and spider free. I am proud, dirty and a little trembly...
Posted by domino at 10:58 AM | Comments (0)
August 20, 2003
Lots happening
Indeed.
Since I last updated my blog, I have had so much happening, I'm almost living my life from the sidelines.
Firstly, and most importantly, I bought a bicycle. This was something I had been thinking about for a while, because it would give me a reason/excuse to go outside more. Also, it was something my good friend George said about cycling being easier to achieve than walking (from an anxiety/panic point of view).
He was so right. I started by cycling around the garden - mainly because I was afraid of falling off and making an arse of myself in front of all the neighbours. Then, I progressed to cycling to the end of the street. I quickly went from that to cycling around the quiet streets in my estate. The feeling when I'm on my bike is amazing. I feel so free, and it is an excellent way of getting rid of the cobwebs.
Last weekend, I set myself a goal - and achieved it. I had a couple of parcels to send to the US, so I put them in my backpack, and cycled to the post office. This was so big for me, I can't tell you. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it might burst. However, I concentrated on the cool air of the morning, and obviously the sparse traffic. I took a few deep breaths, and I was fine. In fact, the worst thing that happened was my bum hurting! Five minutes on a bike, and I get saddle-sore!
I am keeping it up, not necessarily going to the post office or anything, but I'm riding around and getting used to being outside without Ginger.
Ginger has done the job interview thing, and it went really well. They are looking for someone who fits in with their small team, rather than someone with a shed-load of qualifications. Ginger said that he felt very comfortable with the interviewer, and not nervous at all. I guess that's a good sign too. The way things have been worded, and the way certain things have progressed, we are fairly certain that Ginger has the job. It's been advertised through an agency, and they have forwarded Ginger's references etc to the new company (henceforth known as, er, SpreadingTheJam Inc - based on Operation Toast with Jam - until I think of something better). Basically, we are waiting for the go ahead from one of the managers who seems a bit incognito.
Meanwhile, Ginger is back at TakingThePiss, and wishing he wasn't. Next Monday is a public holiday, and I'm guessing that SpreadingTheJam are waiting til that's over before they take Ginger on.
Posted by domino at 12:52 PM | Comments (0)
August 13, 2003
Operation Toast-With-Jam!
Ginger went back to work at TakingThePiss Inc. yesterday, fully expecting to implement Operation Buttered Toast. However, the manager who has the envelope, so to speak, is on holiday. Still. Apparently canoeing in Wales, which is no good to Ginger. My husband is feeling rather glum to start with, and this really made the toast go cold.
However. Yesterday morning, I got a phonecall, (which I answered - go me!) from a recruitment agency that Ginger has supplied his resume to. They have the perfect job for him, and wanted to set up an interview. So, Ginger has an interview on Friday afternoon, at 3pm. The work is similar to what he's doing now, but it's only a 25 min drive away, and is about 25% better pay. If TakingThePiss Inc want Ginger badly, they'll have to come up with millions - mwaahaahaa!
ahem.
So, we are working on a strategy for getting him this job. I'm proud to introduce Operation Toast-With-Jam. Our objectives are:
- Buy Ginger a new shirt
- Keep Ginger awake
- Brush up on standard interview questions
This company seem keen on him based purely on his resume (thankyou Angel and Looloo) so, fingers crossed, everyone.
update
I've thought of a name for Ginger's boss. Enigma.
Posted by domino at 7:20 AM | Comments (3)
August 6, 2003
Operation Buttered Toast
So, Ginger has gone away to work again - for the sixth week. I personally think they are taking the piss, this job was only supposed to last for 4 weeks, and Ginger tells me that he hasn't done all the work he went there to do, because they keep asking him to do other things.
Being an obliging kind of chap, Ginger is doing other work, and from what I can understand, is facilitating speedier production thanks to his experience and knowledge base. He is frustrated - he is training the staff to do jobs that he has been doing with his proverbial eyes closed for years. He says it is fundemental stuff, too.
The upshot of all this is that Ginger has no idea how long he is going to be there. One of the people there lamented that they wished Ginger was there permanently, as he 'knew what he was doing'. God alone knows how this place has operated in the past. So, Ginger and I are discussing the implementation of 'Operation Buttered Toast'.
What it boils down to is this. Ginger originally negotiated pay and t&c's based on him purely being a programmer for four weeks. There was no discussion of him doing anything else, aside from training the other quality staff to implement the programmes that Ginger had done. As the goalposts have changed, I think Ginger should demand a better deal for himself. Although he originally negotiated a better hourly pay for himself, he is worse off because he is working less hours and does not get any shift allowance. I think he should be bringing home a better average wage than he got at Wankbastard Inc, simply because he is being expected to uproot his entire life for those four days a week.
This all sounds lovely and dynamic, but the guy Ginger needs to speak to is on holiday. (I need to think of a name for him) Ginger is of course, putting in for jobs closer to home, but Buttered Toast still needs to go ahead. You can't live on "what if's".
Posted by domino at 7:18 AM | Comments (0)