http://www.dominocat.co.uk/ en Copyright 2008 Sun, 06 Jan 2008 08:17:40 +0000 http://www.sixapart.com/movabletype/ http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss There's no wonder the NHS has no money for front line staff when they send me an appointment letter for the Dermatology Clinic, then send m a reminder letter the following day... (I haven't forgotten about the medical, I just need to have my head in a better place to post about it. Ditto getting the comments sorted) http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2008/01/thinking_2.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2008/01/thinking_2.php thinking Sun, 06 Jan 2008 08:17:40 +0000 must "contact them within two days of receipt of this letter". It wasn't sent registered post or anything, so how on earth could they know when I received it? I had visions of it spontaneously combusting like the Top Secret messages on Mission Impossible. Second, the whole "telephone to make an appointment" thing. When I filled in form IB50, I clearly stated I have problems using the telephone. I suppose they expect me to ask someone else, but it's just a teensy niggle that something I've said about my health problems has been ignored. Oh, and they STILL have me down as a "Miss". I've never been a Miss in all the time I've claimed IB... These are little things though, and I know I'm being picky, but this letter has put me on my guard because of last time. I feel more anxious at the thought of attending this medical than I do walking into the village and looking round the shops. Of course, the anxiety was bound to happen, but I tried to convince myself that I could put on an act, and show them what I was like on a bad day. The ironic thing is, that it would be better if my anxiety was high during the medical, and it makes me hate the whole thing even more. Getting there is still going to mean Mr D taking time off work, and therein lies yet another obstacle. I mentioned ages ago about "worries with money", well, things came to a head a couple of months ago, and Mr D had to get another job. It was only a temporary contract, so obviously he was looking around at the same time. He was offered a permanent position recently - and starts on Monday. Now, I'm certain that if push comes to shove, his employers will let him have the time off, but it still doesn't look good. I telephoned the number on the letter yesterday afternoon. I picked up the phone without thinking about it, and just dialled. The chap I spoke to was very pleasant, and obviously in a call centre. I told him I'd had the letter, and he asked me when would be a good time for me to attend. "Well" I said, "that's the problem." I explained about Mr D's new job, and how getting time off might be an issue, and that I couldn't attend without him. The man offered me a cancellation today, which was impossible - Mr D couldn't even give his employers a day's notice, and it would be unpaid leave. I turned it down, along with another one for the beginning of next week. The man explained that he was only able to offer two appointment choices, and while my head was spinning trying to work out what to do, he said, "tell you what, I can put you down for December 14th in the circumstances". So, December 14th it is. Mr D will have to take half a day's holiday, but at least he's able to let his employers know well in advance. Of course, my other big worry about this is who will be the examining medical practitioner. I asked the chap on the phone, and he said that all I could do was ring the place where the medicals are held nearer the time. What if it's that same doctor? Do I have the right to refuse to be examined without it affecting my benefits? I've been working on something to say just in case - along the lines of "I do not want to be examined by a doctor who has obviously no experience with mental health issues, and no idea what medical problem he is assessing". I don't know. If it comes to that, I'll probably gabble on incoherently and get upset. It may not come to that, though, and I have to keep my thoughts rational - at least, until nearer the time - I can be as anxious as I like on the day... PS comments are off - I was being spammed to death, so email me if you have any burning thoughts.]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/11/o_hai.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/11/o_hai.php health panic the great IB debacle Thu, 29 Nov 2007 18:49:48 +0000 can't do. Everyone who knows me knows that I'm trying my damnedest to get past the agoraphobia. They know how much I hate it, how much I'm fighting it. How much I'm trying my damndest to stay positive. However, I still have problems. Going most places leaves me mentally exhausted. I have to push myself every step of the way. I still can't answer the telephone if I don't know the number, and I still don't answer the door. I do try to keep a positive mindset, and part of the CBT focused on how negative I can be, and helped me address that. Now I'm being made to fly in the face of my therapy to get a bit of money to live on. I have kept my paperwork from the IB Debacle, and my one comfort is that I know exactly what they'll be looking for. However, it still makes me uncomfortable, in spite of me saying 18 months ago "I don't care if I have to lie, I don't want to ever go through an appeal ever again" ]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/07/coming_around_again.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/07/coming_around_again.php health the great IB debacle Tue, 24 Jul 2007 15:31:41 +0000 Cockermouth (they do B&B too, Mr D and I are definitely going back someday). We got there around 8pm, and it was gloomy, windy and raining. Out of all the things I'd packed, stupidly I forgot a coat. For the most part, I was okay, and borrowed Kath's afghan blanket and fleece jacket when I needed to. Kath had arrived the day before with her husband, who'd left her there with the caravan all nicely set up for us. The weather was so atrocious that night, I think if we'd had to rely on the tent, I'd have gone to ask if there were any B&B rooms spare. The caravan was lovely, though, and we cozied up with our knitting, a bottle of wine and chinese food. Heaven. Woolfest itself was the same as I'd remembered from last year, but a few people have said in hindsight that it was better this year - and I agree. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it was because I was with other fibre addicts rather than a bemused spouse, maybe it was the fact that (in Kath's words) I was "seeing it with new eyes" because of everything I've learned about spinning etc since last year, and I knew what I was looking for. Maybe there was some other mojo at work. At first, I stuck with the girls, my anxiety okay, but I didn't want to push it yet. We headed over to the raw fleece sale - Becky and Kath both wanted to check them out. I wasn't so bothered - I had two raw fleeces at home that I needed to work on, and knew another wasn't going to help. Carrie and I wandered off, and I slowly built up my confidence and wandered off a bit too. I spent a small fortune, of course. My goal had been to get as many different fibres for spinning as possible, and (off the top of my head) I got small bags of cashmere, milk protein, bamboo, linen, ramie, cotton, tencel and Crokeback angora. I also got a larger bag of baby alpaca, something that I do intend to spin, but for now I'm just going to stroke it every now and again... I also got some yarn - some handpainted hemp in a gorgeous green colourway. I also got some handpainted kid mohair/silk, but only got 50g of it, so might have to mix it with something else to make a shawl or something. To be honest, it's very much like Rowan's kidsilk haze, only varigated. Two days was wonderful, and flew over. Although three of us took our spinning wheels, only Becky did any spinning - the rest of us were too tired! It was lovely on Friday night just watching Becky spin - there's something very soothing about the rhythm of a spinning wheel. Aside from anything, the baby camel/silk she was spinning was incredible! You can see the finished result here - I've seen it "in the flesh" and believe me, it's utterly gorgeous. It was also really cool to meet a few knitting bloggers I'd heard of, especially Artis-Anne and her daughter Kath, who are both really lovely. So, what about the anxiety? Well, I only got properly anxious once. ONCE! Becky had gone to a lecture, and Carrie and Kath had gone to a workshop. Andrea was around somewhere, but as she only came for the day on Saturday, she was off on a shopping mission. I had her phone number, but wasn't sure where she was. Rather than instinctively trying to find a familiar face, I decided to stay where I was. My anxiety grew as I realised for the first time I was actually on my own. However, I managed it, telling myself that Andrea was only a phonecall away, and it wasn't long before we met up anyway. In all, the whole thing was a resounding success, and now I just have to find another goal. I guess my maxim from now on will be "I managed Woolfest, I can do anything" More photos on my flickr set.]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/07/woolfest_2007.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/07/woolfest_2007.php adroit cbt panic Thu, 12 Jul 2007 09:27:41 +0000 Firstly, thank you all for the comments and encouragement - it means such a lot, and is a terriffic boost. You lot are lovely :) Anyhoo. We set off tomorrow. TOMORROW. Eeeek! Actually, I'm really excited - and hanging on to what D said about the physical responses to excitement and anxiety being exactly the same. Every time I get butterflies or feel my heart pumping, I tell myself it's excitement. And so far, it's worked! I'm as ready as I'll ever be, I have a sleeping bag and various other bits and bobs, I've made lists, I've started packing. Well, to be fair, I started packing a couple of weeks ago. My excuse is that I didn't want to worry the cat by getting my backpack out at the last minute... My biggest worries now are the weather (we're taking our spinning wheels, and can't exactly spin in the rain) and my stupid spine. Lately, my neck has been playing up, and a good 60% of the time I have pins and needles in my right arm. My grip is shocking, and my shoulders hurt. It's probably stress related tension having a knock on effect on the arthritis, but it's annoying. Plus, it means that I'm not sleeping well, and as I'm Absolutely Shattered from the whole CBT thing, I'd planned on plenty of naps to restore my strength for all the running around and oohing and aahing at Woolfest. I will be fine, except my left knee keeps giving way, like it's "dead". It's hard to work it out, because I just don't notice anything until the feeling comes back (by which point it's too late), then I get that really cold pins and needles feeling, right under my kneecap. It's made me fall over a couple of times, so I'm mentioning it here in case the Girls think I'm pissed. It makes no sense, it coincides with the neck thing, but I'd have thought that nerves in the knee originate from the lower back. I don't know. Just let me know when they invent spine transplants... This is probably going to be the last blog entry until I come back. The plan is to take a notebook and write stuff down, then let you all know the gory details when we get back on Sunday. Tonight, walking round Sainsburys and wondering what else I needed, I realised that this was the LAST OPPORTUNITY to get Stuff. I stopped myself from putting one of everything in the trolley, and got a couple of things I'd thought of. I shall stop fretting any... second.... NOW. http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/06/iminence.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/06/iminence.php cbt Wed, 27 Jun 2007 20:16:42 +0000 Saturday Sunday, thinking "Crap, I really ought to get my skates on and write". I need to write. I need to document all the things I've been doing, partly so I can tell D my psychologist when I see her on Tuesday. The plan had been to write about each outing in detail, because if I said, "oh yeah, I've managed to go to the shop then walk down as far as the post office, cross the road and walk back home" it sounds like I've not been doing anything in between and I could do this all along. I'm supposed to be trying to convey what it's like recovering from agoraphobia. Saying "I went to the shop yesterday" doesn't quite do it. The plan was to do "graded exposure", build up slowly with an eventual goal of going to the Post Office to post Something. I have been doing this, and managing well - thinking about what I'm doing, making a note of any negative thoughts, considering how I feel. On Friday, I walked to the shop and bought a sandwich again, then walked further down the road towards the Post Office. I felt like I was a million miles away from home, exposed, vulnerable. It's a strange sensation doing things like this when you haven't for so long. I know it will subside the more I do it, but right now, it feels weird. When I came home, I thought about when to post the Something at the Post Office. I decided against Monday, simply because it would be so busy, and I think the first time I do this, it needs to be on my terms. So, yesterday morning as Mr D was getting ready, I wrapped the Something, put it in a jiffy bag, addressed it, and set off. Going with a purpose seemed better, somehow. I think this was partly because this was my End Goal - and I was doing it. When I'd mentioned to D about doing this before Woolfest, it seemed so distant and unreachable, but now here I was, striding off with a purpose. The more steps I took, the more I reminded myself that I'd already done this (barring going inside the Post Office) I'd gone this far, I'd managed and not freaked out. I walked into the Post Office, and the chap behind the counter greeted me with a cheery "Good morning!" He's a lovely bloke, with a wicked sense of humour and always has a cheerful smile. He weighed my parcel, I paid the postage, took my receipt, thanked him and went. That was it - my Something was on its way. Walking back, I don't know if it was my imagination that I had a spring in my step. I'd done it - I'd gone to the Post Office, and no-one had died, the sky hadn't fallen, and I hadn't panicked. I need to keep doing this, but there's only so much I can do at the Post Office before the postmaster thinks I fancy him. I might chuck stuff on ebay, so my therapy is lucrative in more ways than one. Whatever else I do, I can't stop now. ]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/06/journey_of_the_something.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/06/journey_of_the_something.php cbt panic Sun, 10 Jun 2007 16:43:22 +0000 Spin Off Magazine in Borders, and I crossed my fingers and held my breath that they had a copy. They did - and I grabbed my prize and wandered off with a smug grin. A blog entry about wandering around Borders book shop may sound a bit passe. In reality, I was aware of my heartbeat, the fact I was fiddling with the press stud on my jacket sleeve, my senses were heightened - I could hear everything louder, see everything brighter. I was anxious, but I rode it rather than run away. I went upstairs and looked at the craft books (how predictable!) then looked at the DVD's. I was looking for one in particular, and there was a man standing Just There where I needed to be. I said "excuse me" and we swapped places. I didn't chicken out, I didn't turn and go a different way, I faced him. Albeit for a second or two, I faced him. It felt like I was in the shop for hours, but eventually Mr D turned up. I was relieved, but then I walked off and left him to pay for my magazine! I felt shattered afterwards. It's amazing how physically tiring this thing can be. It's also worth pointing out the effect that this has on people around you - Mr D later commented that it seemed to take him ages to get the stuff to the car and find me in Borders. I guess the time slowing down thing goes both ways.. I shall leave you with a shiny photo of my shiny stock pot: (note strategic placement of the 50p Gap Jacket...)]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/on_my_own.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/on_my_own.php cbt panic Tue, 29 May 2007 15:34:51 +0000 Twitter feed. I have an incredibly shiny new mobile phone, and the contract comes with a gazillion texts each month, so I'll be able to update you all on my CBT progress AS IT HAPPENS. Can you stand the excitement?]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/twitterings.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/twitterings.php bits Tue, 22 May 2007 14:28:15 +0000 Liberty's and brought back some gorgeous fabrics) and it was lovely to natter with other people who could be passionate about buying a knackered shirt in a charity shop and cutting it up because we like the fabric. Becky rang before she set off to my house, and when I'd got ready I made a decision. Usually, when she picks me up for knitting groups, I wait outside the house. It's something that I can use as therapy - to get used to the whole "being outside" thing - and it doesn't seem so bad because I'm waiting for something. Last night, I decided to start walking towards the edge of the estate. I set off walking, feeling pretty okay. I was on the look out for a dark green car - my only anxiety was that she'd not see me and drive past. It was raining, and as usual my glasses needed windscreen wipers. I was trying to think of how I felt, so that I could write it down for my next meeting with D, when I saw a green car. I waved enthusiastically, a grin on my face because I knew how proud Becky would be. The car didn't slow down. As it got closer, two burly pit-bull-esque blokes gurned at me. What could I do? Well, I continued waving as they drove past. I have no idea who they were, and they did look confused. It was a rather priceless moment - and my reaction? I just burst out laughing in the middle of the street. Writing this, I'm thinking of how I would have reacted even six months ago. Probably "I'm stupid, I can't even see the right person, I want to go home.." It may have escalated into full blown panic, as I fretted over who the people were and whether they were going to stop the car further up the road and confront me. My reaction last night is a big step, I think.]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/im_just_really_friendly_you_kn.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/im_just_really_friendly_you_kn.php cbt easily amused panic cbt Thu, 17 May 2007 09:09:37 +0000 Lomo LC-A for £2, I've found a rigid heddle loom for £3.50, and a bag full of Rowan yarn for 75p. When I found the loom, Kath said, "we should rename you Bargain Betty". And so, dear reader, she has inspired a new category. My latest finds are a Monsoon dress for £4, and an unbranded skirt for £2.50. *takes a bow*]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/bargain_betty.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/bargain_betty.php bargain betty Mon, 14 May 2007 08:04:48 +0000 dihydrocodeine addiction, and how withdrawal from the same led to the panic and agoraphobia, so when someone said to me, "I know you don't watch soaps, but so-and-so in Eastenders is taking dihydrocodeine, and it looks like becoming a bit of a thing" my curiosity inevitably pricked. I saw Monday's episode, and didn't think much of it. The character at the centre of it, Dr May Wright, (Albert Square's current GP) is by all acounts a bit of a cow, and she periodically snarfed a couple of tablets from a prescription that she'd stolen. It seemed a bit excessive given that there'd been no previous evidence of her taking it, but that was it. At the end of Tuesday's episode however, there was a scene where she was in her flat, pouring a glass of red wine. There was a bottle of tablets on the table, and she opened it and took some. After a vague pause, she tipped the bottle into her hand again, tapped out a few more tablets then took them. You don't actually see how many tablets she took, but the meaning is clear - it's more than a normal 'dose'. She swallows them dry, then takes a drink from the wine glass. The scene (and the episode) ends after a couple of minutes, so there's no time to show the potential effects of taking an "over the recommended dose" amount of dihydrocodeine with red wine, but the attitude of the character is flippant, and at no time is any impression given that she has technically overdosed. The perception is that she is taking them for the sheer hell of it, and she doesn't appear to have any qualms about it at all. Of course, given my history, I'm bound to feel a little 'icky' about this. Maybe it was inevitable that I'd think the programme makers irresponsible. Maybe I worry that people will think chugging back several dihydrocodeine with wine is okay, and maybe that's overreacting a bit. Maybe the next episode will show her in a dazed and confused state with a raging headache and massive regrets - although 'spoiler' websites don't seem to indicate that will be the case. I don't know, though. I still worry that what happened to me could happen to someone else. I know how easy it is to get addicted to opiate analgesics, and I sure as hell know the nightmare of recovering from that addiction. Honestly, I know it's only telly, I know the programme makers need to have a little dramatic licence to make a storyline work, and in this case, the drama is exacerbated by the suddenness of its onset. I've heard that programme makers 'speed up' the natural progression of events to keep the audience's interest - but isn't it a little bit stupid to name the drug then treat its use with such disdain? Of course, the story hasn't reached its conclusion yet. I'll keep watching to see what happens, but I'll bet anything she doesn't have that hangover. *E20 is the fictional postcode used in Eastenders, DF118 is another name for dihydrocodeine. edit, 11th May: Well, of course she didn't have a hangover. The first scene she's in, she's doing an early morning house call and looks as fresh as a daisy. Bah.]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/walford_e20_df118.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/walford_e20_df118.php medication Thu, 10 May 2007 15:18:32 +0000 excuse, er problem is that at the moment I have so many things going round in my head that it's difficult to put them down into a coherent set of paragraphs that I'm happy to publish. I've tried a few times, and given up. Let's hope this isn't one of them. There's such a lot to tell you, dear Internet, it's unreal. Firstly, and I guess most importantly, Mr D has a new job. He has gone into business with his ex boss, S and they are doing contract metrology. I won't even begin to explain. It's geek and engineering and maths and it helps to be a little bit anal. The upshot is that 1), Mr D has been concentrating on the business more than anything else, and 2), money has been a problem. You don't need to know the details, but it has been a little hairy recently, but hopefully things will settle down now as the business is gaining clients and recognition and stuff. As a result, over the past couple of weeks my 'therapy' has been a bit lax. I've tried really hard, but when you're worrying about money and you don't have your partners full attention, it can be a pain. I have been making progress, and I have been doing things, but I'm scared it's not enough. See, there's something I haven't told you. Several months ago, I was asked by some of my lovely knitting group friends if I wanted to go to Woolfest with them. Last year, they went for the whole weekend and camped, and had a marvellous time. I dragged Mr D for the day last year (having only found out about it the day before) and loved it but felt guilty that there was nothing to interest him. How wonderful, then, to go with people who can enthuse with me over spinning wheels and fibres and weaving and and and... The agoraphobia. Gah. I talked to my therapist and told the girls that I'd love to come, but it was all dependent on my therapy. They all know about the agora and panic, and they're all cool. So, my therapy has been with an end goal. To go to Woolfest with the Girls for the weekend. My psych says it's good for me to have a goal, and at the time I remember thinking it would be an excellent thing to work towards, but if it all went pear shaped it didn't matter, because Mr D could drive me over for the day anyway. However, the closer it gets (eight weeks last Friday) the more vital it seems to be that I succeed. I CAN do it. I have to remind myself of the incredible leaps I've made in the last year. This is the final few steps - but in a way, it's like that final point where you've trained for the parachute jump and you know what to do - but you need to actually jump out of the plane... I have set myself an intermediate goal, to go to the Post Office and post something. I have a half way point which is the newsagents, and I'm slowly building up to get there. This week, I am walking to the edge of the estate (about 5 minutes walk) and standing by the road sign until my anxiety lessens. Next week, I'll cross the road. It's a busy road, so feels like a massive step in itself. After that, I'll go into the newsagent. The Post Office is about another 3-4 minute walk from the newsagent, so the goal then will be to walk nearer to the post office. It's called "graded exposure" and the idea is to repeat the task until it becomes less anxiety provoking. You stay in the situation until your anxiety goes down, and if you do it carefully enough and with the right back up it doesn't feel so enormous. I haven't walked to the newsagent or Post Office by myself in about seven years, and of course, in that time, I've been 'conditioned' to think that it's incredibly scary and I'll have a panic attack. It's all about not pushing yourself too hard, but still pushing yourself. As Æsop said, "slow and steady wins the race"]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/what_is_this_blog_of_which_you.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/05/what_is_this_blog_of_which_you.php cbt daily life panic Mon, 07 May 2007 07:27:50 +0000 may have been one of them - except it has become the focus of my CBT. I guess it was inevitable - after all, CBT can really get to the knitty-gritty of the problem. At my last appointment, D and I discussed how I was getting on with practical exercises, and whether the therapy was going in the direction I wanted. CBT has dissected my existance, my thought processes and my perceptions, and it's this last one that seems to need the most work. Not too long ago, I wrote about my perceptions, and how what actually happened was very different to what I thought had happened. It's a huge problem for me - and always has been. I'm incredibly self critical. Often, my expectations of myself are incredibly high, and even when I manage a task that I set myself, I rarely acknowledge that I've done anything special. If I make a mistake, I berate myself for being stupid. As long as I can remember, I've not liked myself. Sometimes I've even hated myself - and not in a spur of the moment irritated way, but in a deep rooted, and sickeningly powerful way. Growing up, I didn't have much positive feedback, and there have been epsiodes in my childhood where I've literally been told I'm not good enough or that I'm stupid. As a result, my confidence has suffered massively. I guess that's to be expected. The thing is, I've not really realised how negative I am until now. I know that sounds silly, but I've lived with the perceived knowledge of my inadequacy for a hell of a long time. I've masked it with a nice cheerful friendly disposition, but I've never really believed that I could be anything more. A few years ago, for example, I told a psych that I was "thick". He did IQ testing with me, and while I know many people don't give IQ tests much weight, we discovered that I have an IQ of 136. Proof on paper that I'm not thick (or just good at IQ tests - whatever). Now I've had a lot of time to think about it, I realise that at school I was just bored. I'd manage the work that was set, then get bored. I was good with reading and writing, and in the end, I remember the teacher giving me a slower kid to coach because I'd finished all the work they had. I didn't do so well in maths, and (typical for me) I'd get frustrated and leave it. Maybe I'd do well if it was explained differently - my IQ thing showed that I had an aptitude for logic. My being self critical had never been a big problem in my adult life. I just plodded along, my mask intact. The only outward signs being my inability to take compliments or praise. When I started having counselling, it was one of the first things that was noted. Previous counselling has focused on the past, helped me come to terms with issues that have inhibited me, but now, CBT is looking at the present. It seems that my natural ability to criticise myself is a fairly big hinderance. Again, it may seem so obvious to an outsider - my recognising it almost seems like I've woken up from a coma, and I guess that's partly why my head feels all over the place right now. In my present situation, dealing with an anxiety disorder that affects my daily life so strongly, my main fear is that people will think I'm being stupid, they'll think badly of me, or I'll make a fool of myself. J used to ask me "what does it matter what other people think?" and I couldn't answer - I knew it didn't really matter, or at least it shouldn't matter, but it did to me. I've long thought that I'd love to be one of these people who doesn't give a shit, someone who can be silly and not dwell on it for EVER. (I'm not exaggerating - I get reminded of things I've done or said in the past and utterly cringe, but in reality the other party has probably completely forgotten about whatever it was, because it was so damn trivial anyway.) It's easy to say "but everyone has these feelings from time to time". With me, it's all consuming. In my head, I strive for perfection so much, I'm beginning to think I have Borg implants. Starting to realise all of this means that I have the power to counter it. Looking for the positive, D and I decided that growing up I developed into a well adjusted adult in spite of the crap and negativity. Yes I'm negative, but at the end of the day I've only rarely said "what's the point?" and not bothered with things - and that's when I've been really depressed. When I first started CBT, countering negative thoughts with positive ones felt like going through the motions. Now, I'm really starting to believe in myself. I'm really making progress. ]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/03/perceptions.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/03/perceptions.php cbt daily life panic cbt Thu, 08 Mar 2007 09:34:41 +0000 I'm sorry for worrying the crap out of everyone, but I honestly didn't think it would take SO BLOODY LONG to change webhosts and restore my database. I'll not bore you with the details, suffice to say it involved geeks, squirrels, dns settings and Very Bad Words. http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/03/im_back_baby_2.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/03/im_back_baby_2.php geek Wed, 07 Mar 2007 12:46:05 +0000 see for yourself. I remember thinking "I really need to have a go at this" because that's what I do - I see a seemingly impossible craft and I have to try it. My first attempt was just plain stocking stitch, which I started at the knitting group. Kath joked with me about making full size things like socks, and stuff with cables in, so of course I decided to try cabling. The result was pretty cool, even if I say so myself (yes, you did hear me right, I'm actually proud of something I've done!) but I didn't know what to do with it. Then it dawned on me - it had been Kath's birthday the week before, so I mounted it onto a card, and gave it to her. Of course, she blogged about it, and reading the comments it's fair to say that my head has swollen so much that I'll NEVER get out of the door again! Miniature knitting is actually quite addictive - I have a magnifying craft light which I use, otherwise it would probably be too fiddly. I also only do a few rows at a time, but even so, it's still helping me with my concentration! I shall probably sell the cards on Etsy, and Becky is trying a couple on her stall to see what happens. She suggested mounting them in little frames, which is something else I'm looking at. As an aside, I'm changing webhosts again, and there may be outages, depending on how clever I am at transferring things over. If everything goes tits up, you know why.]]> http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/02/miniature_knitting.php http://www.dominocat.co.uk/archives/2007/02/miniature_knitting.php adroit Mon, 26 Feb 2007 10:09:04 +0000